Friday, 2 December 2011

The end of the Boobies

My Mam's final treatment is today.  We have the Herceptin still to go, but she isn't treating that as a major thing, and it is more of a follow up treatment really.  So thats it, at 3.30pm this journey will be over.

Baby R has finally started to accept milk from a cup.  For the last two nights, she has gone to bed without my boobies.

So, life is no longer all about the boobies it seems.  We have had a lot to deal with recently, my blog silence over the last two weeks has largely been down to Mr R's mother's health taking a downturn, and trust me I could start a whole blog about that too!  But now I have to get ready to go back to work, support Mr R in the journey he is now at the start of, and let my baby girl start a new phase of her life at nursery without me.  It feels right to say goodbye to this blog too.

Thank you, each and every one of you, who have read and shared this journey with me.  If you ever know someone who would benefit from following a Cancer journey, please share this blog with them.  I know of a number of ladies who have already taken a lot from reading my ramblings, and I am so so pleased some positivity has come from what could have been the end of the world for us.

So now I am off, to enjoy life thats NOT all about the Boobies!

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Cancer in the News

What a day of mixed news about Cancer.

Browsing the papers online this morning I noticed this article, about a new 10 minute outpatient treatment being trialled to eliminate Breast Cancers.  My Mam and I had a chat about it this morning.  "In 10 years time they will be saying what they did to us was barbaric" said my Mam.  My poor Mam, to feel so strongly about what has happened to her she used such a word as barbaric.  But it has been, and I just hope and pray that if in years to come I or my beautiful daughter ever have to face what my Mam has the treatment will be so different.

The flip side of course is this.  On the face of it, another positive story about improvement in treatment rates.  However, listening to the radio this lunchtime I am in tears.  So many people, still being affected by those untreatable Cancers, the Brain, the Colon, the Ovary, the Lung.  I do know someone who died in their 30s last year from Ovarian Cancer, her symptoms were all attributed to depressions and the use of anti depressants.

Cancer is such an awful, awful disease, so destructive.  And yes we are making progress.  But there is such a long, long way to go.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011


And so it begins.

Mam had her first treatment yesterday, in her words she "shut her eyes and let them get on with it"!  She sounded fine, but I can't help feeling there was an undercurrent in her voice.  I just wish sometimes she would let herself admit when things aren't 100%, everyone is allowed an off day after all.  But then again she is doing the 'Mum' thing of protecting her children - I feel it so strongly with my babies and I am sure it never fades even when your babies are twenty-something, or even forty-something.

I think we had all been downplaying the immensity of the next three weeks.  The thing that has really hit me today is the phonecalls.  I am so used to just dropping Mam a phonecall at whatever time of the day, now I will be lucky to catch her in before she has to be up and out to travel to hospital.  I will miss that.

1 treatment down, 14 to go ...

Monday, 14 November 2011

My Own Worst Enemy

I have decided I am, indeed, my own worst enemy.  I am the sort of person that puts everyone else and what they need in front of what I want, because I just can't bear the thought of loose ends and things which need doing being left undone.  I just cannot stand back and let other people do things, or not do them as the case would probably be.  I am always trying to do as much as I can so other people don't have to.  Maybe I should have MUG written across my forehead!

Baby R has been unwell today, very rare for her.  Toddler R has gone out of his way to be a pest, although I think he was just very green eyed at the amount of cuddles I was having to give Baby R.  Even then, I have spent the day doing paperwork and making phonecalls, doing washing and washing up and cooking.  Because they all needed to be done, and nobody else was going to do them,

But actually that isn't strictly true.  Mr R would have done some things, maybe not to my time frame but he would have got round to things within the time frame they needed to be done in.  Other things may have been left over until another day, but it wouldn't have been the end of the world if I had left the towel wash until tomorrow or, God forbid, even Wednesday - they would still have been dry for the weekend.

I need to make a resolution to myself before I go back to work, to be a bit more selfish.  But how on earth do you take your foot off the gas when you know life will revert to a much slower pace if you do??

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Tomorrow is the day ... mark 2!!

Tomorrow my Mam starts her radiotherapy.  She has been, had scans, had tattoo spots marked in her skin, and is raring to go.  She doesn't seem bothered at all about this next phase of treatment, so we are trying our best not to be.

She is so positive because, to her, it is a 5 minute treatment.  To us, we are worried, because of the 2 1/2 hour trip using public transport.  Although I do suspect she is looking forward to having a purpose every day, instead of having to find things to do.

In other news, baby fluff hair is growing (pure white, shocker ... so she is now threatening to do an Annie Lennox!) and Mam is still feeling absolutely fine.  For the first time in 5 months my parents have been out for a curry, previously a weekly occurance if they could get away with it.  My children were snotty this weekend, but we didn't have to self impose a quarantine.  Life is getting back to normal.

Thursday, 10 November 2011


Today, a post about boobies.  This time its mine.  Now after having two children I don't expect to look like Pamela Anderson.  But I am getting sick of nursing bras.  Usually, I like a nice comfy t shirt bra, with a shaped cup, to help shape my trashed figure.  Otherwise all you see is these huge hips and a load of wobble on top.  But while nursing, I am having to stick to the not so flattering non-wired wobbly nursing bras.

My wardrobe meanwhile is full of beautiful, bright coloured, sculpted bras with nice bows and lacy bits and knickers to match.  None of which I anticipate ever being able to wear again, my back size has probable quadrupled ... well, maybe not that much, but you get the idea.  I am dying to go and get measured, but since Baby R is still having 2, sometimes 3 feeds a day, I am wary in case when we stop altogether everything changes again ...

Will someone please tell me when I am able to go bra shopping again?!!!

Tuesday, 8 November 2011


I’d like the memory of me to be a happy one, I’d like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done. I’d like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways, of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days. I’d like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done.
Helen Lowrie Marshall

I am very tired and drained, after we laid to rest a beautiful soul yesterday.  I found this poem, to put on her memorial cards, and wanted to share it with you all.  It suits her to a tee.  So tomorrow, after I have let myself have today to mope, I shall pull myself together and let those tears dry.  I shall think of the happy memories, and look forward to the new ones I shall make with my babies.  Yesterday a chapter ended, tomorrow I shall make sure a new one begins.

Today has been a no mans land.